The Idiot

THE IDIOT - Written by Carroll Bryant 

I don't understand it

One moment I am consumed by the fire of the Netherworld

The next, I am consumed by you

The angel of salvation

I can't sleep tonight

I can't get you off my mind

Even placing the shirt you left behind on my pillow

Does no good

It only makes me want you here more

I should have just driven to you last night

Like you did for me the night before

Why am I such an idiot?

Why do I always have to play it so God damn cool?

When the truth is, I want to unleash everyone of

These feelings onto you in one big wave

Then I think about what I put you through

I wonder how I made it through when in fact

I wonder how you made it too

My torment was of my own doing

Yours was at the expense of mine

Why am I such an idiot?

You waited

You waited for me and you waited

Then you waited some more

How did you know I belonged to you?

How did you see it when I couldn’t see two inches in front of me?

How does a woman do that? See the future so well?

How did you know?

I am the one with visions

You must be the one with insight

You must just be the one

You are the one

I see that now

I know that now

Still, your scent on your shirt spins my heart into a frenzy

A longing

A need that only your presence can satisfy

How did this happen?

Why am I not scared?

I used to be, but no more

Not with you

I know you now more than I ever thought I could

Or would

Or wanted to

If it’s this bad now then how is it I am going to be able to wait for a whole year?

Or even until September, when we’re to move in together?

Maybe I can’t wait that long

Maybe I don’t want to wait that long

Damn it!

Why didn’t I drive to you last night?

Why am I such an idiot?

I can’t stop thinking about you

Better yet, I don’t want to stop thinking about you

I can’t eat

I can’t sleep

I can’t stop

I know you’re going to read this soon

I know you’re going to ask me why I can’t just say these things to you

Out loud

My only answer is … I don’t know

I’m an idiot?

The past few weeks leading up to last Saturday have been surreal

When we finally succumbed to our longing

The explosion inside of me killed them all

Killed everyone of those bad memories

Those horrible creatures that lurked inside my broken heart

That they themselves created

And laughed at

It was you who put the pieces back together

It was you who found a way to make me work again

To make me a human being again

To make me functional once more

Where did you get the strength?

How did you do it?

How did you know?

How is it that it took me so long to realize?

I know, I know … I am an idiot

Damn it!

I should have just driven to you last night